Alex and I have had several conversations about this topic since Saturday, both before and after he published his article with his texts to me. I don’t think it’s fair to him to publish that line of thought, because I’m hoping that his idea of money has already evolved into something beyond that. At the same time, he isn’t the only person out there who has(/had?) those feelings about money, and it might help other people to read these articles and see both sides as we saw them during that conversation.
I’m trying to get better at teaching Alex how to be happier. Ironic, isn’t it? We’re on this blog talking about how I’m the depressed one and he’s just autistic. But depression is an issue with him.
Except, here’s the thing. The fact that I don’t let money bother me, the fact that I don’t stress about it like he does, is not just because I’m different than him. It doesn’t boil down to me experiencing emotions in a different way. It comes down to me understanding how to control my emotions.
There are times when money freaks me out. A lot. Heck, I’ve written a couple blog posts as I was having minor anxiety attacks over money, and I’m sure it showed there. Once I’m able to calm down, however, I’m able to remember how I really feel.
Alex mentioned how he works with people who are in similar situations as us yet seem happier and more in love, and he talked as if that’s just the way things are. But the way he feels about money is a problem, and the solution to that problem is so freakishly obvious to me that it’s painful. This whole thing is freakishly obvious. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it sooner. I’ve started noticing in recent weeks just how depressed Alex is, and neither of us could pinpoint a source of the depression (I’m a firm believer in the idea that there’s always a source, no matter how obscure) and this is it. This is the biggest source of his depression right now. And he wrote about this source in the exact same paragraph where he talked about his coworkers. As if he subconsciously knew the answer, and yet hadn’t been able to comprehend what it meant.
He further emphasized the answer all throughout his texts.
” I want to be able to hold you without the looming shadow of poverty always waiting to overtake us. Why does money have to be such a strong force in our lives? I want to be like you and not care about money.”
Here’s some questions for him, ones we’ve talked about at least a little bit:
What the heck does ‘the looming shadow of poverty’ have to do with his ability to hold me? Why should that affect our personal relationship? We are not married to money.
Who says money is such a strong force in our lives? It’s certainly not in mine. I don’t see why it should be in his, either.
Why can’t he be like me and not care about money? Why does he talk about it like I just am the way I am for no reason and it’s not something he can do?
Near the beginning he wrote, “I HATE that I need to leave you even for a short time when you need me (like today when you are sick) and I want to stay with you.” That event was the whole reason we had this text conversation. I’d basically begged him to stay home that day, and he refused. He acted all aloof, like he was so focused on making the money that he couldn’t even allow himself to connect with me emotionally and be tempted to stay home with his sick and miserable wife. All for what? Fifty dollars? I knew what we’d be missing if he didn’t go. I knew it wasn’t worth it, that he needed to stay. He didn’t listen to me. That’s how afraid of money he is. He’s terrified of it.
He lets money control his life.
That’s the problem.
The problem is not that we’re thousands of dollars in debt, that we sometimes spend more than we earn, that we can’t picture ourselves getting out of debt unless our income dramatically changes. That is not the problem.
The problem is that Alex obsesses over it. Really. He obsesses over it. Constantly. He prioritizes our income. He doesn’t even do anything about what we spend or so much as look at our budget; he’s just obsessed with making money in whatever ways he can right now. And that is hurting us. That’s hurting our family. That is hurting him and making his depression and anxiety worse and damaging his self-esteem.
Our family will be far better off, in every way possible, when he overcomes this fear.
Honestly. I really believe that our lives will dramatically change for the better, in every way possible, as soon as he stops letting his fear of money control him.
Even financially.
Especially financially.
You cannot learn to control something if you are so afraid of it that you allow it to control you.
My personal views on money come from a lot of places. They’re a tad bit complicated. That’s most likely part of why I’ve struggled to communicate them to Alex. But here we go.
I know God is real, and that He loves me, and that He is looking out for me. I know that I am doing my best to stay in tune with the Holy Ghost and follow the path that Heavenly Father has prepared for me. I know where I’ll end up after I die. I know that everything I experience in this life is for my own good.
I think Alex’s testimony there compares to mine considerably, except for that last line. I’m not sure if he really believes that last line, even if he knows it.
I’m doing my very best to take care of our finances. Every so often I contribute a little to our income. I do enough meal planning that we have what groceries we need and I try really hard (and mostly succeed) at not spending more money than I need to whenever I’m out. I don’t actively make sure that everything I do is according to the budget, because I’m not perfect and budgeting does scare me a little and I get a lot of anxiety thinking about that. Then again, I think part of why that scares me is because I know the numbers won’t be in our favor right now know matter what we do, so it’s easier to do my best and have faith that things will work out in the long run. In the meantime, I do reconfigure our budget every few months to see what our averages look like and if there’s anything we need to try a little harder to cut back on.
I’m also working on my writing career. I’m pretty dang sure that within the next few years our finances will not look like this. We’ll be fine. Whether that’s because of me or him or both of us, I don’t know, but I’m hoping that my writing career will contribute significantly to our income someday and I’m working towards that. Even on days when I don’t actually write, I’m brainstorming, and I’m reading novels and other media on how to build a platform and advertise and improve my writing abilities and such. I will do everything I can to build a writing career that has the potential to make us money, and assuming that I actually get myself published, I have no doubt that I will make money as an author, even if it isn’t much.
I have this belief that there will come a day where we are so financially secure that we’ll look back and say, “Eight thousand dollars in debt? Why, that’s nothing to worry about. That’s pocket change.” And then we’ll go start a non profit and step in to help a neighbor who’s struggling at least that much, and we’ll have nothing to worry about.
I have faith in my future self. If ten years from now I’m not worried about the debt that I have right now in 2019, then why the heck should I worry about it right now? I’m already doing all that I can. It’ll all be just fine.
I have faith in my God. I mean, come on. What’s the worst that could happen to us? Our house belongs to our in-laws, and currently, they charge us nothing to live here. They even pay some of our bills. We are not going to lose our home because of our finances. And if worst came to worse and we did lose our home? We have family and/or friends who I’m sure would jump at the opportunity to help us out for however long it took us to get back on our feet. If we somehow ended up living on the street? There are shelters, and there are generous people willing to give homeless people things they need, and as long as we have the ability and desire to work and earn whatever else we need, we’ll be fine. As long as we have each other and our God? What the heck do we have to worry about?
I refuse to work for anyone, ever again. That isn’t why I want to be a writer. Right now, that’s just a belief that further allows me to stay home with our son and write. I have a lot of talent and a lot of potential and I can do a lot of good in the world, but if I’m working a job worrying about someone else’s problems and what meager income it might give me, even if that income is what we need to get ourselves out of debt, then I’m delaying my ability to get my work published and I’m causing myself more stress. In turn, that will cause the whole family more stress. Going to work, for me, would be a devastating waste of time, effort, and talent.
That being said, if God wants me to go get a job, I’ll do it, but right now I don’t feel that’s what I need to do.
I think Alex needs this job. I think this is where God wants him. He still has a lot to learn. Alex isn’t ready to be the kind of person and provider he wants to be. He has what it takes to get there, but he hasn’t yet learned the lessons he needs to do that right now. Alex needs time. And one of the first crucial lessons he needs to learn before he can make money as an entrepreneur is to stop letting money control him.
I’ve learned that lesson. I really don’t think I have many lessons left before I’m ready to start making money from my writing career, and most of those lessons are smaller. They’re lessons I’m ready to learn. I do believe it’ll take a year or two, but not much longer than that. My time is coming. Something is coming.
The world does not revolve around money. Our family does not revolve around money. We have things to offer to the world, and money has nothing to do with that. It’s almost tragic the amount of things money can do for us in this world, but we should be utilizing it for good, not waste our lives away feeling afraid of the damage it can do. We need money to survive, but we can live our lives rather than just survive even if we don’t have enough to pay all our bills. We should live our lives regardless. It’s a manifestation of integrity. Money should not define who we are. And that’s the truth of the matter.
That’s what I need Alex to understand.
Discovering Gravity 