Her Midnight Crisis

I really think I could be just about anything I want to be. I could do anything I want to do.

That’s a big part of my career problem.

There are so many set paths out there. I could go to college or learn a trade or start a business or sell my crafts or do something a little more modern like make money off of blogging or YouTubing. I really think I could be successful at anything if I decided to dedicate myself to it.

However, every path I’ve tried to embark on has just felt wrong.

The more time that passes, the more determined I am to start contributing to my family’s income. I know I could do it. I just have to pick something. And the more I try to pick something secure, the more often I get the answer, ‘No, that’s not what you’re meant to do, your time is precious, don’t do that,’ and the more frustrated I get.

The only sure answer I ever get is writing. That’s the only thing I know Heavenly Father wants me to do. And starting in high school I’ve announced that ‘this is the year I’ll publish my first book!’ to all my friends, every year. It’s never happened. I’ve finished drafting so many books and I have so many more ready to write. I have specific projects I’ve been prompted to work on, and I often don’t get very far on those before being prompted to switch projects. I can definitely see how I’ve benefited from the time spent on each project, but it’s frustrating that I haven’t been able to make enough progress on a single book to reach publication. I do my best to actively have faith that things will work out for the best, but it’s frustrating not knowing what the bigger picture looks like or when I’ll have a tangible career that contributes something to the world (and our bank account, because we need that to survive).

Lately I’ve been getting promptings that have kept me up at night. I haven’t really acted on them before tonight, partially because they aren’t all that specific about what action to take. Some of it has been in regards to working on one of my novels. But there’s something else. Something more. I have a greater calling, and I don’t know what the heck it is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. And honestly, it scares me, because it feels too big for me. I’ve always desperately wanted to do something bigger than me, but now that I feel like that something is coming or that I’m supposed to get to work on it, I’m second guessing myself. What do I know how to do that I can actually go do and have this great of an impact?

Alex and I went to bed a quarter after midnight and I opened up Facebook while waiting for him to switch laundry or do whatever he was doing. I started watching a video that Michael B Shreeve Jr recorded live in the No Pants Project Open Community on Facebook earlier today. (Yesterday, I guess?) I really respect this guy and what he does. I think he’s awesome. I don’t think the topic of this video is applicable to what I want to do at all, but I still have it running while I write. (It’s two hours long.) He’s one of those people that genuinely loves what he does, makes a living at it, doesn’t have a boss, and wants to genuinely help people learn to do the kind of thing he does. He’s my role model. That’s probably the real reason I’m still part of his group. Fifteen minutes into his video, I felt like I needed to get up and do something. I don’t know what the heck it was. I went through my vast collection of nonfiction books and picked out a few that called to me, but I don’t know if I’ll read any of them relatively soon. I opened up my laptop, wondering if there was something I could research to come up with more ideas, and came up with nothing. I started writing this blog post, not really knowing where it’s going. I’ve been mentally scouring my Google Drive, trying to figure out if one of my many projects needs my attention or if I need to create a new folder to do something new. Still nada.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how I’m going to help my family get out of debt.

But there’s something I’m supposed to do.

I have faith that I don’t need to concern myself with money, even though I sometimes stress about it anyway. I don’t need to pick my career based around the income. If I did, I’d already be doing something. The impact I have on people has always been my greatest motivation. That’s the most crucial part of my dream, of what Heavenly Father wants me to do. But I cannot define what that looks like. I don’t know what I do that impacts people most, what kind of thing I need to do, how to do it. Maybe I never will the specifics. I’m doing my best on my own. And Heavenly Father knows what I need to do, so when he sends me a prompting to help me get on the right track, I do my very best to act on it. I don’t know if I’ll ever make money off of or because of my books or my blog or any of the ideas I have right now. When I look at the bigger picture, or what I can see of it, it’s silly to worry about providing for my family when there’s so much more at stake. After all, I do know Heavenly Father will take care of us, and I can’t do better than following the path he’s set for me.

Throughout my life I’ve often needed reminded that it isn’t all about me. All I want is to help other people, but I’m spending way too much time obsessing over myself and what I can do, when sometimes it’s actually more about what other people can offer me, or what they get from me when I didn’t realize I was actively offering anything. So maybe writing and sharing this article is exactly what I needed to do tonight. Maybe I can’t find the answer on my own. (Actually, I’m sure I can’t. Ha.)

With that in mind, I’d like to thank you for reading my midnight rant, and you have any ideas, any thoughts, anything at all, please drop a comment or message me or reach out. If you have anything to say. I’d love to hear it. Really. Really truly. You can also reach out to me if you just want to talk, or if you need someone to talk to. I’m always here. I’d love to chat. I’m here for you. You matter, and I care. For now, have a great night!

P.S. Alex will be publishing “His Perspective on Her Depression” in the next 24 hours, and I’m super excited to get the chance to read it! I think he just about cried when he got to the end of my article, and I have no idea what he’s going to put in his article. I don’t think we’ve ever talked about what he thinks about my depression before.